Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
