Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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