You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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