I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
