Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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