you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
