Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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