I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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