i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
