My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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