this boner is exhausting
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize