I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I see more hoeing in ur future
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
