Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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