I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
