I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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