I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
