just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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