After last night, I could never be a politician.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
