My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
