Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
