he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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