I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
