If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
