if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
