i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
