Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize