Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
