Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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