The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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