I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
