it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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