I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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