After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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