someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Randomize
