I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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