Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
