All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
