I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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