Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You are the jesus of drinking
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
A bitchslap is in order.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
