Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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