Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's rum buckets o'clock
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
