she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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