The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
