but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You pole danced in your parka.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
