I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize