I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize