Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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