Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
