1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
