I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
