We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize