From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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