my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
