I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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