I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
