I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize